Who says the soothsayers, savants, talking heads, and pundits trolling La Croisette for contacts and contracts get to hog the predictive fun? In dishonor of all that, I’ve been sweaty-palming my way to a list of some of the pathetic, cringe-worthy, and obviously obvious realities likely to slam into our noses-—as long as we close our eyes and walk into them.

With that, here’s a Cannes edition of “you don’t need to see around corners to know what’s coming,” 2024:

Participation trophies, anyone — Despite no real reason beyond “need the dues,” Cannes will continue to gleefully add categories, increase entry fees, and make its owners even richer. C’est la vie!

Z is for zero or zilch — Soon “only digital natives need apply” for ad agency jobs will give way to “not an AI native? Not a chance.” 

Standing room only — Holding companies will continue to reorganize previously reorganized agencies. Whatever alphabet soup comes out of the latest pot, employees will know it’s real name: “musical chairs.”

Keeping up with the Huang’s — Nivida CEO promises one new AI chip a year, twice Moore’s Law, virtually locking in progressively smaller advances. Get it?

Just because you’re paranoid — More agency creatives, hitting mid-40s, will decide to take a bold stand against industry ageism. Step one: deleting all previous “O.K. Boomer” posts from social feeds. 

It’s a shark eat shark world — First, tech companies like Google and Meta became world’s biggest ad agencies. Now, holding companies want to repay the favor by turning themselves into AI tech companies. Cue the evil mechanical laughter.  

Included just because — Stephen Colbert calling 93-year-old Rupert Murdoch’s marriage’s to a woman almost 30 years his junior, “the world’s first open casket wedding”

See, also, unscrambling un oeuf — AI training on other people’s IP will only be the second biggest asspain. Figuring how to make it forget what it iterated on—say after a usage license has expired—will be the real hemorrhoidal deal.

Influence this — a whole lot of brands will discover that Hollywood, presidential campaigns, and New York courtrooms aren’t the only place to find grifting “influencers” who think the more they fake it, the bigger they’ll make it.

We’re all in it alone — varying reports show CMO’s now surviving either 3.1 or 4.2 years. Compared to the gnat-like tenure of an agency relationship or an ad creative over 50, both sound like forever.

The “no need to see around corners” gold standard— More than 70 years ago, we all knew that the Baby Boom would hit US healthcare like the proverbial perfect storm in the late 2010s. Aside from inventing the acronym LOL, did we do anything to prepare?

Got any to add?  Your seminar seat comes pre-warmed and ready.